This is a post I made on the
Something Awful Forums the other day. The thread
ended up getting gassed, so I'm putting it up here instead. I had way too much fun writing it.
SmotPokinNinja posted: Problem wit da internets!!!
I'm having a weird-ass problem with my internets... my comp. says it's connected and working properly, but none of my programs that use the internet (IE, Steam, ext.) seem to detect it. I've renewed my IP address and reset my internet settings, but nothing seems to help. Anyone got any ideas?
PS- I'm using my roommates comp. to post this... because my internets doesn't work!
My five-year-old daughter reminded me the other day that I "work for the internets", so I am obviously qualified to answer this ...
The internets on your roommate's computer are obviously OK. To be sure that the problem you are having is not due to corrupt internets, try using his internets in your machine.
First, open the case on his machine (you'll probably want to print this post out first, or keep repeating it over and over to yourself so you remember it - you can probably skip this bit in the parentheses though, if that makes it easier), and locate his internets.
You can identify the internets in a computer easily, because they are usually contained in the largest block on the motherboard (the big thing at the bottom, or side, depending on the case type, that has all the other things plugged into it) (do memorise that last parenthetical comment, it might be useful) (that last one and this one, you can skip though). It's probably got a big fan on it. The fan is used to keep the internets moving around, so you use them all equally. This is called load-balancing. One of the small boards might also have a fan on it - don't worry about that one though. That'll be the video card. The fan on that is used in a lot of 3D games to ensure accurate emulation of giant fans.
Take the fan off the big block that holds the internets (oh, turn the computer off first, and remember to memorise all the parenthetical comments unless I tell you not to, or unless you've printed this, in which case you can just scribble over the ones I tell you to forget with a black crayon or something). You should now be able to pull out the internets with a good tug.
Don't be afraid to pull hard on the internets. They're usually jammed in there pretty tight, as the internets are growing more and more all the time. It's bound to be bigger than it was originally, unless it's a really new machine. This, by the way, is why older machines get slower. The fan, which is load-balancing your internets, helps agitate the expanding internets into the small corners of the container until it's wedged in really solid, and new data starts to condense on the outside as a fine, grey dust. Eventually the fan stops moving. At this point all you can do is throw the machine out and buy a new one with bigger internets. Or you can install Linux on it, which has some pretty good internet compression built in (I just realised I should have put most of the last paragraph in parentheses and told you to forget it for a bit - sorry).
Anyway, by now you should be holding your roommate's internets proudly aloft. You can shout "yee-ha" a couple of times, if you like.
Now go to your machine and do the same again - be careful you don't get the internets mixed up. If you've got that crayon we were talking about earlier, you might want to write a little note on each one so you can tell them apart.
Push the other internet into your machine and turn it on (you turned it off, right? I did mention that, didn't I?) and let us know what happens. If the machine doesn't turn on at all, I think you just need to go out an buy a Macintosh. They're asynchronous machines which only need one internet, so they get gummed up less. They're useless for games, though, since they have to do spinning fans in software.
